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Friday, December 31, 2010

To be, or not to be… resolute.

A new year is hovering right at our fingertips.  This time of year always brings so many questions to my mind.  Does the new year mean the same thing to everyone?  Will many of us see it as a new start while the rest see it as a new chance for new problems?  Does anyone see it as just another day on the calendar? 

Why do we need a new year to start over; to make changes?  It seems most of us notice something is wrong and feel that it is ok to shilly-shally until January 1st to change our ways, thinking, “,that’s going to be my new year’s resolution”.  

The older I get and the more new years I see the more I think, it is just another day on the calendar.  There is nothing stopping any of us from changing ourselves, if we feel the need, at any time throughout the year.  Waiting until January 1st puts so much pressure on us to make an entire list of things to change.  About 10 years ago my resolution was to no longer make resolutions at New Year’s.  It has been the one that I have actually stuck to the longest.  This year, though, has been a crazy year for me so I feel that maybe it is time to change that about me as well.  Maybe, just maybe, there is something to this resolution thing.  I won’t know if I don’t try. 

After saying all of that, I do have a list of things I want to commit to in this upcoming year.; most of these changes have come into my head pretty recently.  Some are small, some are big, some are fun, some are serious.  They are all attempts.  If I don’t get it done it doesn’t mean I didn’t try; maybe it means it was not supposed to be done.  I don’t have a date in mind and maybe it won’t all be this year.  It is more of a lifetime timeframe for me.  

1. This will be my list of things to do in my life and will not need to be repeated each New Year’s. 

2. I will continue to change things as I feel they are needed throughout the year. 

3. I am seriously going to TRY to be less negative, impatient, complaining and bitchy...while remembering that trying to be less bitchy does not mean I will keep my opinions to myself or that I will let people walk all over me or others.  I will continue to speak up and stand up for what I think is right.  It just means I will try not to jump so quick on others.  I will try to think before I speak. 

4. I am going to eat less meat.  I honestly feel so much better, physically, when I don’t eat meat.  I completely understand I will not be cutting out all meat all the time.  When I go to someone’s house for dinner and they have meat, guess what I am eating for dinner? Meat!  I am not going to ask anyone to do anything different for me.  Also, if I have someone over to my house for dinner and they love chicken parmesan, then that may be what they get.  For some reason this always brings on debate.  Don’t throw your meat lovers opinion at me.  Eat all the meat you want.  I am not going to try to “convert” you so don’t give me crap about what I want or why I want it.  If you feel the need then please reread number 3 and notice the word TRY.

5.  My blogs have all been quiet lately.  I will keep up with all of them more often.  If it is important enough for you to read it (because you are my friends) then I will continue to write and attempt to entertain you. 

6. Chris deserves a better wife.  Rather than taking the time and energy in finding one for him, I will just make sure I make myself into a better one.  I will see how that goes first. 

7. My Xbox Gamerscore WILL surpass Chris’. Will.

8. My house will be cleaner. 

9. Money will get better.  If we want to even think about another kid we need to be able to afford daycare, so, we need to work on that.

10. I will figure out how to use my fantastic SLR camera.   I’m not sure if it will be a class, or a book, but I will learn it.

That should do for now.  I will add to this as I see fit. Smile

Oh, yeah, Happy New Year everyone!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Year's resolution

So, we seem to have stopped this for a little bit, but in two days, the new year will be here, so what better time to jump start this? I've been ignoring the no-smoking thing pretty bad, and I haven't actually been paying much attention to when or what I've been eating (besides shaking my head at all the chocolate).

After the New Year, Patrick and I go back on the no-smoking train. I've not sure if he will, actually, but i really hope so. We were doing so well before... we weren't...anymore. :)

I've also been looking on craigslist for an elliptical machine (my preference) or a treadmill for relatively cheap. I've decided (yet another excuse, I know) that I am most motivated to work out at night, but that is the time that I can't leave, since I am alone with the kids. If I have a work-out machine here, maybe I will actually use it while I am watching TV or something. I would hope so.

So I don't have much to talk about at the moment, since I am in kind of a holding pattern. I can only complain so much that I don't like the way I look before people stop listening, or start yelling at me to shut up and f-ing do something about it. Hopefully, that time is now.

BTW, any suggestions for quick, healthy, cheap meals that my kids will eat? I've regressed back to pizza, hamburger helper, and spaghetti during the week. I'm not quite sure if this is due to time constraints or money constraints, but there ya go. Suggestions?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

sick and tired!

No, seriously, I have really been sick and tired and tired of being sick. Ugh, Friday night I started not feeling great and stupidly stayed up until 1:45 am trying to prepare for Lars' birthday party Saturday. So, after being up half the night sick and shivering so much it made me sore all over, I woke up Saturday feeling so much worse. This was fantastic news as Lars' FIRST birthday party was going on that day and there was so much to do. Well, let me tell you... ok, I can't really put into words how amazingly marvellous my mom and sister are. They did everything! I told them what I wanted and POOF, it was done. The party was a hit! I woke up again just as people were starting to arrive. It is now Wednesday and I still feel a bit crappy but I do feel better.

Now, I need to regain my focus on eating. Not just eating right, but eating in general. I don't know that I have hit my 1500 calorie limit in the past 5 days combined. I am eating a bit here and a bit there but not much at a time. There are some good aspects of that, though. Hopefully, mu stomach is getting a bit smaller which should assist in my portion control issues.

My current weight is 265.4
This is great because it is 5.8 pounds total towards my goal.
This is bad because it is almost all from this weekend.

So, I am taking this to be the best I can at this moment and going with it. I am going to begin eating as I am able to when I am hungry and eat healthy choices as often as possible.

In speaking to my fabulous bonus sister Heather, I have also decided that my caloric goal for each day will be between 1500 - 1800. This is to give myself a little wiggle room and still stay healthy. I know I felt guilty for going over 1500... I also know that a 1600 or 1700 day is still a win! BUT when your goal is 1500 and you hit 1700 it psychologically is not a win. So, I need to adjust my goal rather than trying to adjust reality like I usually do (hey, sometimes it works for me).

Also, it is almost Christmas!! I am NOT going to deprive myself of the awesomeness that is Christmas food! I jsut need to watch myself and be a little bit nice when I want to be a lot naughty.

Becky!! It's ok! We are not on a wagon - we can't fall off. We are just going along a similar path as the wagon. I think of it more as tubing the river. We are going to go up and down over some waves (some much bigger than others), we are going to go through different forks in the river as well and we may be up and down at different times. But, we will end up at the same place. Whichever of us gets there first may need to go back around to help the other one but we will both get there. This is a lifestyle change we are doing. It takes a while to change anythign drastic in your life. We didn't meet our guys and get married the next day, we didn't get pregnant and have a kid the next week, we didn't put on all of this weight in a single month, it takes getting used to. We have our waves of ickiness but we get back down in the smooth water and we are all ok again. Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride. It's the only option we've got. Getting out of the river is not an option at this point. I'm staying. I like my tube! (It is very fancy and nifty).

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

In response to Lisa...

Girl, I know exactly how you feel with the cycle of eating and depression. I get depressed sitting at my house in the evening (that's my bad time, instead of in the middle of the day). I look down and I see a fat person's stomach, sticking out way farther than it should. Sometimes it hurts my ankles and knees to walk after I've been sitting down for a while. I know that the four pieces of cinnamon toast I've just eaten (at 9 at night) were utterly pointless, because it's too many, especially on top of the second helpings of dinner and the desert I've already had. I have self-esteem issues, mostly because of the way that I look. This may be TMI, but I don't want to do anything... fun... with my husband a lot of the time, because that would mean that I have to take off my clothes and I don't want to. He says that he isn't bothered by the way I look, but since I am disgusted by it, I don't see how he isn't! I hate that people think I'm pregnant right now, since I'm not. It looks like I am, though.

I would say the holidays are the worst time, but they aren't, because it's only one day. I eat whatever I want on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. If I can't afford to splurge, calorie-wise, on those three days, then really, what's the point? It's the every day (and the leftovers from those three days) that I have problems with. It's going into the kitchen at 9 or 10 at night to get something to eat because I'm convinced I'm hungry. Most of the time, I'm probably just bored. The rest of the time, I'm probably thirsty.

I get depressed. I sit here by myself and think, what the hell's the point? Why should I even bother to try? It's not like its even going to work. Let's face it, I'm fat, I've always been fat, and I'm always going to be fat. I end up crying, going to bed, and have dreams (okay, daydreams, while I'm trying to fall asleep) where I'm not fat. I'm healthy (not skinny), and I look great.

Each day is a new day, though. That's the only way that I can get through it. Okay, so today might have been a bad food day. Today I might have eaten everything in sight. Today I might have stood at the kitchen sink and eaten the leftover food from my kids' plates (yes, I've done that; how pathetic is that?). But tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I'll drink more water. Tomorrow, I'll really try to stick to that 4 little meals a day thing (which I'm currently half-assed trying). Tomorrow, I'll remember that my weight and eating habits didn't happen over night, so I won't change it over night either.

Just saying "tomorrow is anotha day!" with a heavy Southern accent isn't going to do the job, I know that. I actually have to get out there and do something about it. I should start to walk when I have the time (instead of FBing and Zoo World when I get to work) or go to the gym with some friends of mine at noon MWF. I have to be motivated to actually work to change my situation, because just watching what I eat isn't going to cut it. Sometimes it's the baby steps you have to appreciate, though.

Lisa, I call any day where you are positive that you ate under 1800 calories a good day. The whole point of us doing this together was not just so that we could each post about what was going onin our dieting world, but so that we could provide support for each other as we tried to make a life-style change. This is one of the hardest changes there is to make, as well as one of the slowest (it feels that way, at least. Having never been a drug addict or alcoholic, I can't say for sure, though.). I feel the same way that you do and I'm frustrated by the same things you are. I've had a bad week or two and haven't even stepped on the scale in a week, because I don't want to know what it says.

So let's make a deal. Let's make tomorrow a good day. Let's forget about the badness of the past week or two and start fresh. Let's agree that we will take a (fast) walk sometime during the day, be it early in the morning or late at night or whenever in between. Instead of playing on Zoo World (or more realistically, before) I'm going to put on my tennies and go for at least a half hour walk tomorrow morning.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I am here for you.


I am trying. I really am. Even while we were out of town I did not go crazy! Yes, I ate crap but I did not go as insane on it as I would have before all of this. I am now heavier than when I started this fiasco.

My fault, it is. I get that. It's just that I am so pissed off at myself for it. Then, that spirals into being upset about it; which turns into a depression about the entire way I look; which makes me cry as I type this; which really sucks because I am at work; which makes me type run-on sentences and all of this makes me feel like not caring. Then I look in the mirror and think, "Damn girl, look at you. You can't give up or you will just end up looking WORSE than you do now. Get your act together and get back on". So, I do and the entire cycle starts over again. It always has ended the same though... right back here.

In 10 minutes I will get out of my seat and go for a short walk in the brisk weather. That might cool me off a bit.

The holidays are coming. That is rediculous. What am I going to do? I have NO WILLPOWER. That is my entire issue with all of this (besides whatever it was that caused me to get like this to begin with). How does one learn willpower being amongst all of the fabulous food this world offers? I have to eat like everyone else. So, how do I make it so that I can enjoy it like other people do but still be happy with myself?

Yesterday I ate 1781 calories and did no walking. It was SO super crazy at work and I neglected myself in that. I will not do that today.

Off I go into the chilly Dallas air with the highest hopes that I will get out of this funk and will myself some willpower :O)

Thank you for reading this boys. It is appreciated and I do honestly think it helps knowing people care enough to read my lame writings.

Monday, December 6, 2010

now I'm back ... from outer space...

Ok, I have been away, yes, I have. I also gave up on eating decently for a week or so. I WISH it had been because of Thanksgiving. Since we had to drive to Phoenix on Black Friday we have not eaten very well. The drive there and back is obvious but while in Phoenix we ate out a lot. We did no cooking because, well, who wants to cook when everyone is upset?!

I am back, sort of, today though. I am putting my food in my Fitday account and we will see what happens. giving up completely is not an option for me. the fact I am fat did not help the depression of losing Grandpa last week either. So, I figure the best way to get out of this funk is to just go back to the high I get when I see the weight falling off me.

I will update this post tonight when I get my Fitday updated for the day.

is anyone even reading us anymore anyway?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My Inner Yoda

So after a really bad week last week, I'm back on the wagon. Sort of. Okay, maybe running along behind it getting ready to jump back on. I did bum a cigarette when I went for a drink with some friends yesterday, but I didn't really enjoy it. Does that count? It's the only one for the past three days. So I'm trying again with it. I really do feel better when I'm not smoking. I miss being a smoker, though.

Food-wise, I'm really not doing well. I keep having to fight against myself and losing. Luckily, most of the leftovers are gone. I don't like pecan pie and it's the only one left in my fridge right now. I'm running short on money (aren't I always?), so we don't have a whole bunch of snack-y foods in the house. I keep looking down and seeing my stomach sticking out and getting disgusted with myself.

In reading back over this post, I've noticed something. When Lisa posts (ahem, ahem), she's funny. Good day, bad day, whatever, she's funny. I'm depressing. I'm constantly down on myself. Obviously, that kind of an attitude doesn't work, and isn't really all that fun to read, either. I have to be honest here, though, since I don't seem to be honest anywhere else (at least when it comes to food and smoking).

Okay, now I'm rambling. Not sure what I'm trying to accomplish here, except that I'm back on the anti-smoking wagon and am trying the food thing.

I have to channel some Yoda here. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Follow Up

So I've fallen off the wagon and I'm finding it really hard to get back on. But let's back up a bit and say why this weekend was such a fail, smoking and eating -wise.

For starters, this Saturday was the Stubbs family Thanksgiving. We decided to do it early so that we wouldn't have to share time with anyone. We had a great time, too. The cousins stayed here until after 10, playing Phase 10, talking, drinking... A good time was had by all. Our friend Stephen was invited also (pretty much a member of the family as well), and I knew this was going to present a problem. Not because of anything about Stephen, but because he's a smoker. I've found that if I'm not around smokers, it doesn't usually cross my mind to want a cigarette. But, he's a smoker and I found out that a cousin is still a smoker also. So I bummed from them all day and night. (It was nice, too, but I didn't like the way I felt the next day.) I figured that I was hosting family (I think we had 16 adults and 5 kids of varying ages), it was a little stressful, so I was okay. I know, it's just an excuse, but there you go. On top of that, it was Thanksgiving, so we had all the traditional Turkey Day foods and deserts. I ate too much. Not a shocker, right?

The next morning, I was heading down south to go see a friend of mine who is in town. I was going to stop by my aunt and uncle's house on the way down to return some stuff that was left behind, and I figured I'd buy a pack of smokes and give them to my cousin, to replace everything I smoked the day before (hey, cigarettes are expensive!). Then I found out that my grandfather had died that morning (my grandmother and he had been living with my parents; we knew that he was going to die soon, because he was old and sick. It was still a shock, though). I had a pack of cigarettes, I figured hey, I deserve one. One turned two, turned into three, etc. So fail.

But, I'm still eating. We have the leftover pies and bread pudding (yum yum!) in my house and it all just tastes so good! I don't want to throw it out because Patrick likes it too and he can still eat it. Plus, that's just a waste of money. I apparently have no self control.

I hate this. It seems like everyone around me is losing weight (yay Lisa!) but I'm still stuffing my face. I'm finding it hard to be positive at the moment. I'm kind of depressed about it, which makes this blog not so much fun to read.

All I can say though, in the words of the immortal Scarlett O'Hara: "Tomorrow is another day". I'll just have to start again tomorrow. I have done well with the not-smoking thing, the past two days notwithstanding. If I just pull myself up out of the dumps, things will be better.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Over a bit!

Becky! I have been bad too! Apparently it was just one of those weekends.   We will just get back on track and no harm no foul! Open-mouthed smile

Friday night was so much fun! We went to meet some friends (Mindy Smith and Bo Nash) at the Oasis at Joe Pool Lake.  We had beer and food and lots of laughs!

Saturday we went to see the new Harry Potter movie with Chris Brandon and his girl Brenda.  We also went to Bennigan’s.  I only had ONE drink though this time!

While there is a but of guilt, it was worth it all I think though… this is only a once in a while thing.  We don’t go out that often so to do it this much in one weekend is HUGE! 







Saturday, November 20, 2010


Okay, today was an absolute fail, both with eating and smoking. Just wanted to put that out there. More later, I'm exhausted.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

catch up time

We have been busy; which is good.  So, I have not posted as much lately.

Don’t worry – I have NOT given up and everything is being accounted for. 

Tuesday night I cleaned my living room really well.  It needed it since that is the room Lars, and everyone else,  is in most of the time.  Wednesday Chris and I had date night.  We lit a fire, ate dinner, drank wine, and watched a movie.  It sounds awesome, right? Well, we also had a crying baby that did NOT want to go to sleep.  We had parents in the house coming and going.  Not perfect but very romantic and fun for what we could do!



Not much activity but a little is good.


Something is wrong though.  There is NO way that sweeping the floor would burn more calories than sex, but that is what FitDay says.  I would like to challenge that big time!  More research will be done on this. 



Wednesday: We had our Thanksgiving celebration thing at work so I did go over a bit (between that and date night I didn't stand a chance and I was totally ok with that!)image


New Stats!!!! Woo Hoo!!


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Turn to Come Clean

Today's stats:
calories in: 1484
exercise: not much. walked about 15 minutes total, to and from my car a couple of times


Okay, here we go. I've started my diet today. I don't know how much of a diet it actually is. I think its more watching my portion control. That's always been my big problem (no pun intended).

Since Lisa was brave enough to do it, I will, too. I don't have the nifty table that she does, though, because my preferred website doesn't offer it ( Here are my starting stats:
Starting weight: 260 lbs
Height: 5'10"
Goal weight: 170 lbs (90 pounds total loss)
Initial goal: -10%, to 242 lbs

Mini-goal #1 - Drink 64 oz of water per day and restrict myself to no more than 3 DDPs a day


I've been complaining about my weight for forever. I can't remember when I started to be overweight, but I remember being more solid than the other girls in 5th grade. Various parts of my family run big, so I'm working against several things here: genetics, lazyness, lack of money (to buy healthy food), etc. I've been trying to become more active since 2005, when I started back to undergrad. I was walking at least a mile a day (around campus), so I actually lost the freshman 15 instead of gaining it. I've been trying to eat healthy and watch more portion control off and on (more off than on) since 2007. I've been up and down a little bit since then, but always within 20 pounds total.

I hate being fat. I hate having to shop in the plus sizes (where all the designers think that you either want to wear grandma clothes or a circus tent). I hate finding cute clothes and only having a size 10 or 12 available. I hate having to squeeze in places made for smaller people than me (public toilet stalls are a place that immediately spring to mind). I want to be able to ride with my children on roller coasters and not worry about whether or not I'm going to fit in the seat. I want to be able to look down at my feet without having to bend forward (which is kind of a normal thing for girls, I would think) or suck in my stomach. I want my boobs to stick our further than my stomach, which is not the case right now. Also, I don't want to have weight-related diabetes, whichever type that is. My grandmother has it, my dad has it, my aunt and uncle have it, maybe my other uncle has it... I don't want heart or cholesterol or blood pressure problems, either (although we all know that those aren't necessarily weight related).

I want to be pretty. Okay, okay, fine, I want to *feel* pretty. I do occasionally, but not all the time. I want to wear cute clothes. I want to be able to have more than two pairs of jeans (its hard to find good jeans that fit comfortably).

Okay, so there's my sob story. It's a lot of me feeling sorry for myself. I got myself into this mess over the past 28 years, and there's not a magic wand to wave that will reset it for me (I think video games have ruined us a little bit). Its going to take hard and dedication and just a little (or maybe a lot) of ass kicking. I need someone to kick it for me sometimes. Lisa, maybe you can do that for me, and I'll do it for you. I've tried losing weight before and it petered out. Maybe having someone working on the same thing with me will help me with it. It definitely doesn't help that at the moment, my loving husband can eat anything he wants. He has to fight to keep weight on rather than the reverse.

Starting a diet right before the holidays is perhaps not the best idea, but neither is coming up with yet another excuse to put it off. I'll watch the amounts of what I eat for right now, and try to be consistent with entering the information into caloriecount.

My ultimate goal? Being happy with how I look, regardless of what that final weight ends up being. I also want to be a runner. I want to be able to take my dog out for a jog, or go for a run for a couple of miles. There's some nice scenery around here. I think it would be a good way to see it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Do I look lighter to you?

What? well, I should.  I mean, I AM!



This is the thing that might be the biggest difference in doing this with Becky; hers is either on or off.  Either she smokes or she doesn’t.  There is not a lot of tracking or results she gets to see right away.  Once her lungs get working again she will see more; breathing easier will be a result she will love!!  With weight loss it is something I constantly have to keep track of and keep an eye on.  But the good side is I get little victories too :O)

There was another damn birthday today! Seriously why do we eat junk food to celebrate people being born?  We should get cake for the birthday person and veggies / fruit for everyone else.  Ugh, this time I ate the entire cupcake.  I started to  feel a little guilty but not enough to stop eating it.  It was good and worth it. 

Today’s damage:


While the cupcake was worth the calories the lunch was NOT.  Don’t bother with Marie Callender’s microwave meals from off the shelf (Fresh Mixers they might be called) though I don’t know about the frozen stuff.  None of the flavors I have had are any good.  The Healthy Choice, on the other hand, are good! Well, except the Szechwan beef and Asian-style noodles – it tastes like paint, yet it is not even a good color.  Go figure.

Anyway no walking today.  We had a huge client at work today so I had to wear dress shoes. Ugh – lame! I am pretty sure the clients were not looking at my feet. Smile


So this is actually going a whole lot easier than I thought it would, so far.  I mean this counting calories is a cinch!  I eat anything I want as long as I stick to my calories.  I got that…pretty much.  Now I will work on eating healthier stuff; making healthier choices. 

I may think of a few healthy things to make for Thanksgiving. 


Anyone have any suggestions or comments on how to make this blog better?  Sorry, naked pictures are not an option… yet. 

1 Week Down

I feel sometimes like I am working towards something. Okay, maybe that's a stupid statement, because obviously, I am. But it feels almost like weight loss, where you get down to a certain weight and you move to a "maintenance" diet. I feel like once I hit a certain time frame, then I'll have an occasional cigarette again. It's a weird feeling.

So I've been smoke-free for a week now. I will admit, I've been looking for a cigarette, but not hard or successfully. I was going to visit a friend (who smokes) on Sunday and I was going to bum a smoke - turns out he wasn't home. I wouldn't be terribly upset if Patrick brought home a cigarette, but he's been surprisingly good. The one or two smokers in my lab haven't asked me to go smoke with them (not knowing that I quit), and in fact when I walk by, they aren't usually out there. Every time I'm in a situation where I have the ability to get a cigarette, it doesn't work out.

So instead of complaining about it, or wondering/planning when the next time I'm going to get a cigarette is, I'm going to say yay me! 1 week, smoke-free. I'm not necessarily over the hump, but I'm definitely on my way.

Now I need to honestly take a good hard look at my weight. Yes, I need to focus on staying quit of cigarettes (and yes, I also realize that's not grammatical correct, but its fun to say) for a good long time before focusing on weight loss, but I can't take it anymore. I have got to do something. Will it ruin this whole pact thing that we have going, Lisa, if I change mine from no smoking no no smoking *and* weight loss?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Don’t judge me

I suck. I know.  Take a gander at what I ate today!  BUT, I stayed WAY under my calorie goal! *slight grin* I know - it is too far under.  I may eat more tonight to make up for it... I will edit this if I do.  My goal is between 1300 and 1500. I'm sorry Becky! I am going to try to make up for it.  Honestly, I am NOT trying to eat so few calories...I do eat when I am hungry.  As you can see, I don't always make the best, or even GOOD, choices, but I am trying to eat.  ***Food list has been updated (still not proud of my food today)***

Also – we cleaned the garage out today so that used a lot of calories.  We worked a LOT and a long time.  Tomorrow we will be putting storage stuff in there so I’ll be burning more calories tomorrow!



Weekends are made for slackers. That’s why we get along so well.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Running late…

I know, I KNOW! I was SO tired last night… falling asleep on the couch at 9:30.  Just a point of perspective, Lars went to be about 9:00.  
First of all my dad decided to make my mom and me some white russians.  The strongest white russian EVER! You know that point when you drink, where you tell yourself “if I have any more I am going to be totally bombed!”?  Yeah, I was just before that point after ONE drink! Plus – a white russian has almost 300 calories! Ack.

I will post both yesterday and today’s stuff so no one thinks I cheated!  I am REALLY trying to post every single day.  It is the point of doing this, for me, and will keep me honest and, most importantly, on track!
THURSDAY November 11, 2010



FRIDAY November 12, 2010
Don’t look at this one… I went over today.  I know it will happen now and again.  It was that damn lunch (no, NOT the burger and pie Smile)

Becky: Intricacies of Addictions?

So it's 7:43 and I just got the girl to go to bed (went to bed early so that she can watch a movie in bed). She's been excessively 6 this evening and ignoring me a lot. Not deliberately, but zoning out because she's watching TV. The boy has been in bed since just after 7, but is still talking to himself, so definitely hasn't gone to sleep. I need to check on his humidifier and make sure that its working, but I don't want to go in there until I'm sure he's out.

All I want to do right now is go out in my front yard and see if anyone is smoking. It's easier to bum a cigarette from someone when you live in an apartment complex. Not so much with a house. People have their own backyards or garages or houses, so they don't usually come to the front yard to smoke. Yes, I know that this is a good thing. In fact, that's why I'm here typing, not going outside to see, just in case.

I've been thinking about smoking all day. Not "Man, I'd kill to get a cigarette right now", but asking myself if I really wanted one. The answer was no the whole day. I realize the answer should be no regardless, but I think that when you are trying to quit something, you have to be honest with yourself. You need to acknowledge that you want something you can't have, and work to identify the feeling that comes with it (do I want to smoke because of the habit? Because I'm tired of sitting at my desk? Because I'm used to smoking when I drive?). So, all day. Want a cigarette? Nah, not really. Feel like smoking? Nope, I'm good. Want to see if someone is outside that you can bum from? No, thanks. I've been doing pretty good today, I think.

But right now. Man, if someone offered me a cigarette, I'd be outside before they could finish the question. So I need to keep myself busy. So... I write. I balance my checkbook. I pay bills. Eventually, I'll get distracted by something and won't think about it anymore.

This does beg the question, however, why is it not okay to fall off the wagon when smoking? I've asked two of my non-smoker friends this question over the last two days, but I want to know. If you are dieting, or cutting out cokes or coffee or what have you, an occasional slip is okay. One day a week, you mess up, that's okay, just get right back on the wagon, it'll be okay. Why don't we get that same reaction when quitting smoking? Instead, people are disappointed, shake their heads, lecture, etc. One friend said that it was because when he's dieting, he's not addicted to cookies. He thinks that it only takes one cigarette to get hooked again. I guess this is true, and as I'm typing I'm getting an answer in my head. With something you have a physical addiction to, such as nicotine (or caffeine, to use my other example), you are depriving yourself of something that your body wants and needs. It's a slow process, and one that you can only get through with time. If you slip up, then it takes your body that much longer to completely purge all the badness.

I guess that makes sense. Still. I'm one of those people who would celebrate a 10% weight loss with a piece of cake. I want to celebrate a week without smoking with a cigarette. To destroy a quote from somewhere, though, I guess "down that road lies madness".

I'll go pay bills. Then look for some paint in the garage to touch up my walls and trim inside my house. Eventually it'll be bedtime, and then I won't have to think about it anymore.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Yay support!

So yay, people are giving us support and wishing us good luck and all that! That's pretty cool. The only thing that sucks about being so public about quitting smoking is that, if you fail, everyone knows it, and there is less support the next time you try.

Of course, that won't be an issue for me, right, because it is going to stick. On the 4th day right now. I'm fairly certain that this level of blogging won't sustain itself, but I'm enjoying it while we are doing it.

And by the way - yay Lisa! Bad days are okay, everyone has them. Make the next day a good day and it all kind of works itself out (sort of). That's what diet people tell you for things like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, big candy holidays, etc. Try to "save up" some calories before and after, then you can eat a little more on those days. (Granted, it's never a good idea to have a 3000 or 4000 calorie day.) Good job on that cake, too! Maybe you can reward yourself for reaching your goal weight by having a (small) piece of yummy cake. It's good to have goals to work towards.

That's it. Y'all have a great morning and a great day! Here's to not smoking!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It’s starting!! (really, really small but there is less weight on me)

First off I want to say that I am so proud of you, Becky! You are doing so great.  Your kids will be so much better off for this, as will you and Patrick.  Thank you so much for doing this with me. 

My main goal is my clothing size and the way I FEEL about how I look but the scale is a very close second.  So, when the scale says I am down .6 – I can’t help but jump for joy a little bit.  (Plus, the jumping is exercise, right?)

So, ugh, there was a birthday at work today which means CAKE! Well, cupcakes AND cake, to be exact.  I did great – I only had three bites.  It was only out of sympathy though.  My “don’t call me boss” boss made the cupcakes; which everyone wanted.  Another girl made a Hello Kitty cake for the birthday girl; which not many people were eating. To make her feel better I took a piece of cake.  The most difficult part was actually throwing it away after only eating three bites.  It would have been easier to just not take it to begin with.  But, I did it. And boy those were three very savory bites.

I am SO tired! I cannot even tell you.  I walked out of the house with no food; no lunch, no snacks, nothing.  So, my food today is a bit lacking in the healthy department.  Dinner had a lot of veggies and protein though!

Today;s food:


I did not walk today.  (Please see above statement about being tired).  I had a little activity this morning (SO EARLY) but that’s all.  I will walk again tomorrow.

Today’s activities:


The worst part is that my activity is not even why I am tired! Don’t get me wrong – it definitely had a bit to do with it – but it was just an off night all night long. 

So all-in-all it was still a decent day; even with cake and no walking. I’m still ahead 1,888 calories for the day!


Pounds left to first goal: 26.7

Goals: Size 14 / Weight: 1st goal:  243.9 (10%) / final goal 185 / total loss: 86.2 lbs

Becky : ...insert title here...

Okay, note to self - come up with better titles. That is always my stumbling block when it comes to writing, coming up with a pithy title. My friend Kate can attest to this.

Anyways, the whole point of this post. I'm ending day three (close enough) without smoking. Still doing pretty good. It's been a day, though. My boy was diagnosed with pink eye (and we were originally told that he couldn't return to day care until Monday of next week). He's also been coughing almost non-stop lately. My girl was crying all night last night because her ear hurt so bad. She's better this morning, but it still was a rough night last night. In addition, I haven't been feeling that great - sore throat, headache, tired, etc. My throat hurts at the bottom rather than the top, so it's hard to reach with throat sprays, warm salty water, etc. Basically all I can do is wait for it to go away and go back to the UNT clinic if it gets worse.

However, this is the type of day that usually sends Patrick and I running for the gas station to get cigs. It's a good thing we aren't, since on top of all of the rest of it, we have no money, but still. I think it's pretty significant that we haven't fallen into the trap.

I find myself wanting a cigarette the most right after the kids go to bed at night. The boy goes down a little after 7, the girl by 8:30. As soon as she is in bed ("Mama, I want a song. Mama, it's dark in hear. Mama, I want as drink of water. Mama, I want to tell you something really, really, really important - did you know that bats can be white?" and on... and on... and on...) I just really want to step outside and smoke. I think I could do fine with having one cig a day and having that one be it (I won't, though). I have to remember - my daughter thinks its cool. My daughter thinks its cool. Plus, I can't take a deep breath in the morning without coughing really bad.

Speaking of my daughter, I've been telling her every day that I haven't smoked. She thinks I'm doing great, because I've told her before how hard it is to quit. Hopefully, she will remember this when she gets old enough to want to start. Probably not, but I can hope, right?

I also need to jump on the dieting bandwagon - or at least the "Put down that food!" bandwagon. I've been eating more in the past couple of days. I think that I'm using quitting smoking as an excuse to eat everything I can. That's not good. I don't want to have to lose the ::mumble,mumble: pounds that I currently do, as well as the additional 60 pounds from quitting smoking. That would suck. So, remember, Lisa, you are my inspiration for losing weight as well. Basically I'm quitting smoking so that I can get to that point, and we can be hot mamas together. :D

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 2 in Lisa's world

It's not that bad really.  I actually found myself REALLY wanting an avocado today instead of candy or junk.  But, after seeing how many calories are in in I didn't even eat that. 

I have changed my logging place.  I am now using This site is so much more complete and gives me a ton more information.  Plus it makes everything look all nice and neat.  I like that!

Apparently, I am addicted to entering stuff!  I love to eat so that I can enter it.  I have no idea why, but I guess whatever works, right?  It even tracks my moods.

Here is the food breakdown for today:


Here is the calories burned summary for today:


I am sure everyone noticed that I ate a ton of pizza.  Yup, I did.  They were small pieces but I did heat 5.  I was HUNGRY for some reason.  I wasn’t until I was home and it was in front of me.  Oh well, I was still under my 1,500 max for calories! 

Sure glad I skipped that avocado. Smile

I need to walk more.  I sure wish I could swim but since the water temp is in the 50 / 60s I don’t think that is going to happen.  So, for now it will be walking.  Maybe when I get more into it I will find something else.  We are thinking of bringing the bike into the living room to make it our “game chair”.  That way we will use it when we play video games.  Not a bad idea.  There is also someone at work that is selling a treadmill, that might not be bad to do either.  It is really nice to be able to walk around a few times at work though.  I just listen to Pandora and walk until I hurt. When I say hurt I mean HURT.  For some odd reason when I walk I get this horrible stabbing pain on the side of my calves.  It is what I always thought shin splints felt like but this is on the outside of my leg; not the front.  So, yeah, that’s nice and fun.  I just stop walking until it stops.  Anyway, maybe it will go away as I lose weight!

I decided I am going to post my goals in each of my posts – so I don’t forget what I am striving to achieve. 

Goals: Size 14 / Weight: 1st goal:  243.9 (10%) / final goal 185 / total loss: 86.2 lbs

Becky's first try

Okay, so I've never blogged before, but I think this is a good idea, also. It always helps to talk/write about the hard stuff that you are going through. The benefit of an online blog is, even if no one else is reading, you can pretend like someone is!

So Lisa and I are going to work on this together - me quitting smoking, her working on snacking and dieting. Hopefully, ideally, it'll work for both of us, and then she can be my inspiration to then lose weight! I've discovered, though, you can't quit too many things at once, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for failure.

About me and my problem: I've been smoking for a very long time. Don't tell my parents, but I was 10 and in the 5th grade when I picked up my first cigarette. I was walking home with another girl named DeeDee. Her mom let her smoke (how disgusting is that?) and I kept telling her, don't give me a cigarette. Don't try to pressure me into smoking. She kept saying, okay, fine, I won't. About halfway home, I asked to try one, and that was it from there. I didn't really like it at first (does anyone?), but I spent the weekend at her house that weekend, so I got adjusted to it. We started off on menthol cigarettes (I used to call them the peppermint cigarettes).

I wasn't really what you would call a dedicated smoker for the first two years; in fact, I "quit" for the first time the summer I was 12. i picked it back up again when school started because my friends were smoking, too. We used to go to the woodsy area behind the middle school in Cedar Hill and meet with some high school girls and smoke there. I got yelled at by one girl because I wasn't inhaling, so I was wasting the cigarette. She taught me how to inhale and I've been a smoker ever since. My parents found out about it when I was about 15, so that's when they think I started. Awful, isn't it?

I am now 28. I've been smoking for 16-18 years, depending on how you start counting. I remember when I used to be able to buy 2 packs of smokes with a five and get change back. Through me, at least one friend has started smoking and still does to this day. These are my reasons for why I'm quitting:

1. It makes me smell bad and turns my teeth yellow (as if I don't already have enough problems with my teeth).

2. It's expensive! (over $6 a pack now for Marlboro. Calculate that out: a pack ever 2 days, on average, so I end up spending about... $1100 a year on cigarettes. And that's just me, my husband smokes too.

3. It kind of makes me into a social pariah sometimes, cause nobody wants to be around the nasty.

4. I'm having problems breathing already, and I cough a lot, especially in the morning. I don't want to die of lung cancer, or live with emphysema, etc. Not being able to breathe sucks and I don't want to have to live my life like that. I hope that it's not already too late, although the medical profession assures me that within ten years of quitting, my body has finally recovered.

5. Believe or not, you non-smokers, but smokers usually have no sense of smell and a dulled sense of taste. I would like those back, please.

6. The biggest reason to quit - my 6 year old daughter thinks that it's cool. She wants to be exactly like me when she grows up, including smoking. She's used straws or sucker sticks to pretend to be smoking, just like mama. It's a compliment to have someone want to be just like you, but not in this way. The only way I would ever be okay with Dakota smoking is if they managed to miraculously fix all the problems cigarettes cause. As a matter of fact, while I'm wishing, make them healthy for you! That would be ideal. Then I could smoke all I wanted.

And here are my excuses:

1. I have no self-control. I'm a stubborn person, but apparently not when I am fighting myself. If it's something that I want, I give in way too easily. Hence the addictions that I have.

2. Breaking the habit. Now this is not the same thing as fighting the addiction. Within two weeks, all of the nicotine, etc, is out of my system, and I no longer (apparently) have a physical addiction to anything. It's the habit, though. I smoke after I eat, when I'm alone in the car, when I need a break from what I'm doing (or from my kids), when I talk on the phone or in person, when I drink (going to the bar mixes two of those, which makes it that much harder).

3. Hand-to-mouth fixation. Yes, this is an excuse, but I still believe that its a valid one. I was born sucking my fingers. I quit sucking my fingers when I really picked up smoking (yes, that means I sucked my fingers in intermediate and junior high. No judging here). I like to eat as well, for the same reason. I really have to fight against this. I don't want to use suckers or hard candy as a replacement because int he first place, I have sucky teeth already. Also, I don't want to replace one bad habit with another.

4. I like being a smoker. Even with all the reason listed above, for the most part, I like being a smoker. I like taking breaks from what I'm doing to read my book and smoke a cigarette. I like sitting around after I'm done eating and smoke a cigarette, especially with other smokers. Smokers are a very social group. We are the only ones who understand each other and don't bitch about it, so we always have at least one thing in common with strangers.

I think I'm ready to quit. As long as I can keep my reasons to quit in front of me, and not my excuses. Especially my kids. I've gone through 1 day without smoking already. It wasn't that bad, although I would have liked a cigarette after the kids went to bed. The first couple of days, honestly, aren't the worst, though. It's the couple of days after that. You are starting to adjust to life without smoking, learning to deal with shit in different ways, when suddenly, something reminds you that you aren't a smoker and you are never going to be again. That's the point that I usually give in and have a cigarette.

Here's for day number 2. Thanks, Lisa, for doing this with me, by the way, and giving me this outlet to write about it. Here's to us. We can do it!

Never give up. Never surrender!  :D


Monday, November 8, 2010

Lisa's first entry

Here goes nothing...well, everything.
While Becky is quitting her addition to cigs I am quitting my addiction to junk food.  I have to! I feel huge and am just getting huger! (Yeah, I know but it is my blog and I can say what I want).  So I started today.  I also feel that bringing everything out in the open will make this happen; make me stick to it.  So here it is...
I did not weight myself this morning because I forgot to!
Height: 5' 10.5"
Last weight (11/6/10): 271.2
Size: 20 pants (ish - it really depends)
Pants: 1st goal: 18 / final goal: 14
Weight: 1st goal:  243.9 (10%) / final goal 185 / total loss: 86.2 lbs
Yes, I am putting it all out there for everyone to see.  My first step.  To me, keeping everyone from seeing it doesn't make it any less true.  I am that weight no matter who knows about it.  If I am going to do this I need to be honest with everyone; including myself.
Ok, to help me with this during the day I added an app on my Palm Pre.  It is the "Diet Control" app.  It is not what I would call perfect for me but it is not bad either.  I can enter in all the food I eat, all the exercise, and my weight and it tracks it all for me. 
Day 1 Breakdown
Honey Nut Cheerios with 2% milk for breakfast (I can't bring myself to go all the way to skim - maybe I will buy 1% next time): 220 calories
Snack: Great Value key lime pie yogurt: 170 calories
Lunch: Breakstone's cottage cheese doubles (peach): 100  calories
Dinner: Chicken patties (we had to cook them because they got thawed): 450calories
Green Giant Farmer's Blend Veggies:  105 calories
Side of pasta (This is VERY new to me - I never have pasta as a side dish): 210 calories
Dessert: 2 mandarin oranges and 2 SMALL dollops of whipped cream: 105
TOTAL FOR DAY 1:  1360
Exercise:  I walked a lot more today than I usually do.  I counted 3,000 steps.  That is not including the normal walking around the office.  I also tried to walk and stand more today rather than sitting all day long.  Each hour I tried to walk around at least a bit.  Tomorrow I will hopefully walk even more.
Approximate calories burned: 307
My BMR: 1995
That means I am down approximately  942 calories for the day! That is great in my book!
Yes, it totally could have been better but it IS so much better than what it has been.  I am proud of myself!  It was a good day one!

and we're off!

Today is the first day of our adventure. 
Saturday night Becky let me know she was going to quit smoking on Monday.  I decided if she can do it then i can quit gaining weight! So we made a sort of mini-pact to do this together.   I invited Becky Weber to join me and allow us to take this on together via the crazy interwebs in the hopes that this will prompt us to stick to our guns and actually do what we need to do this time.  Let's hope she accepts my invitation! If not, I will be doing this on here anyway.  Putting it down on cyber paper should help me achieve my goals.