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Friday, May 27, 2011

It's a good thing I'm funny, because man, I'm fat

Becky, Becky, Becky... boy, that post was for me, wasn't it!?

Yes, I have been down on myself lately, because I have felt like (almost) a complete failure at this.  I say almost because I am still down a total of anywhere from 10 - 12 pounds.  I am stuck there, it seems, destined to be forever in limbo at this weight mark on the scale.  The miserable bobbing bar on the physician scale at work taunts me; it mocks me every single time I step on.  "Hahaha! You won't get lower than this.  You don't have the power to make my bar raise.", it says to me and I walk away sulking.  263 - 264 is where I am hovering (if only I were light enough to hover).  So, yes, I have my own pity parties but I know I will get down to 262 and rejoice again! It only takes one tiny bit of glimmer to make me shine again; it just takes a lot to get that glimmer going sometimes. 

So, I am still trying.  Maybe not as hard-core as before, but I am still absolutely trying.  There is no giving up for me on this; I am in for the long haul.  I am in for life (both as a reference to time and reason). 

Maybe, just maybe, it will help if I do start posting daily.  Will you get sick of hearing from me?  I am betting, ummm, HELL YES.  But, I can say with 100% certainty and selfishness that I am doing this for ME and not you so, there. :O)

Also, as smart as I think I am most of the time, I have some pretty stupid plans.  For example, I log all my food and then decide, "Oh, I've got this, I don't really need to log everything anymore".  When in actuality, the times I start slowing my weight loss, or forcing it to come to a mind altering halt, are the times that I stop logging my food. DOH! What an eye opener that is.  I need to realize that being lazy and cutting corners is what got me into this situation to begin with so why am I still looking for the easy way out, the path of least resistance? Well, slap me and call me Ginger, I have got to stop doing that! 

Last night I went out with some friends and had a great time! I drank three margaritas and did not care about calories or carbs or anything.  We went to On the Border and I did eat a bit of a  few appetizers but I really did not eat that much.  If nothing else, eating better over the past few months has made me eat MUCH less.  That is a plus!

Becky, I love you too and also thank you for all of your support and motivation!  You are also totally fun to hang out with!  I may have my bad moments and think really bad things about myself but for the most part I am proud of what we are doing here, both in what we have done and what we will do. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Power of Positive Thinking

CW: 242 lbs
SW: 260 lbs

TL: -18 lbs
1st goal: -26 lbs


Okay, so I know that that title is dorky, campy, cliched, whatever... However, unfortunately, I also think that it's true. Not to the point of "visualizing good things coming your way" or whatever happy-crappy New Age bullshit, but being able to genuinely believe in yourself and think well of yourself.

Now, I've declared myself Queen of the Pity Party before (when I was younger) and I will gladly pass that title along to someone else. Someone deserving. You know, like an entitled 16 year old brat that thinks that nothing in life is fair, no one loves her, she's going to go eat worms (as my mother is fond of telling me). I used to have horrible self-esteem (read: none), and only through time, wonderful friends and family, and a husband who loves me so much even after ten years together did I develop self-esteem. Now, I still have my problems, but who doesn't? For the most part, I think well of myself. I think I'm deserving of good things. But most of all, I think that I can do whatever I set my mind to do, because I'm damn stubborn, thank you very much.

Apparently, however, having a bad attitude about yourself for so long starts habits that sometimes you aren't even aware of. I was talking to friend a couple of months back at a party. We had been sitting around drinking and catching up for several hours (so we were feeling very good), and I said something that I didn't think was too bad. I can't remember what it was, but she called me on it and told me to stop being so down on myself. I was surprised, because like I said, I didn't think it was that bad.

But you get in the habit of saying, "I'm fat. I'm ugly. I can't wear anything cute." Then it graduates to "It's a good thing I'm funny, because man, I'm fat/ugly/whatever. Man, I look good today, which is a change for me." Hopefully, you get to the point where you think well about yourself for the most part, but the self-deprecation always shows up. (A side note: I looked up self-deprecating in the dictionary to make sure that I was using it right, and I was struck by the definition: "belittling or undervaluing oneself; excessive modesty". Think on that for a little bit.) A good thing about yourself, followed by a bad thing. Example: I look damn good... for a fat girl.

Like I said above, I've gotten to the point where I don't always realize that I'm doing this. Apparently, I do this a lot, and not only about my looks or physical stature. I belittle my intelligence, what I've accomplished, my value to my friends... I think that I'm being realistic. However, I'm not. I'm being self-deprecating and undervaluing myself.

A little bit of modesty is definitely a good thing, otherwise no one would be able to stand being around you. However, constantly being down on yourself drives people away, too. If there's anything that I've learned the hard way, it's that.

So, in conclusion, I say this to myself, to Lisa, and to anyone else reading this (and I know I've said it before). The only person who can beat you is yourself. If you tell yourself, I can't do this, then guess what? You won't. At all. Ever. We can do this, regardless of what this is. We just have to stay motivated, which admittedly with weight loss is a hard thing, especially if nothing is happening. Keep telling yourself, I can do this. If you have a bad day, make the next day better. Stop looking at the scale and look at how you look, how you feel. In my opinion, when you are dieting and exercising (in moderation) it shows in how you hold yourself, because you feel better about yourself. You've admitted there's a problem and you're trying to do something about it, rather than just whining about it. It may take a while, but for most of us, the weight didn't appear over night, so there's no reason to expect it to disappear overnight as well. It's tough and frustrating and defeating, because we are changing habits of a lifetime, trying to get used to new ways of doing things. That's never easy. But keep doing it, and stop telling yourself it's pointless. Think of every underdog movie and cliche that you can to keep yourself going, because there's a reason that we like stories about those that keep trying and persevere, against the odds.

Lisa, directly to you: I love you. I'm so glad that I met you and that you've motivated me to try and change the habits about myself that I don't like. You've kept me going on this longer than I would have been able to do on my own, even if our support (and our readers' support) is only online. I think that you are beautiful and fun and funny and an all around awesome person. I hope that you feel that way about yourself, as well.

Okay, soap box rant over.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Creative Title Here...

Current Stats:

SW: 260 lbs
CW: 243 lbs

TL: -17 lbs

1st goal: -26 lbs (10%)


So Lisa and I were talking Saturday night and both of us agreed that we don't necessarily like to post anything when we have nothing good to report. "Hello, Becky here, gained back 7 of my -17 lbs, trying to get that off, would be a lot easier without the popcorn and ice cream diet...." So that's why we go so long without writing anything, rather than give you an update every day (or even every other day) on the life of a dieter. Heck, everyone reading this (probably) knows what it's like to be on a diet.

But I haven't posted in a little bit, so here we go. Still not doing okay with the no-smoking thing, but I blame Patrick. He's not quitting until work straightens out (he's a stress-smoker), so I have no self-control. However, I have stopped bringing them to work (and one of my main hookups for cigs stopped smoking last Friday, so that's... good). So I go the whole day without a cigarette and wait until I get home and have had dinner (for the most part) before I have my first one. I'm trying to keep it down to 3 or 4 a day.

Sometimes I'm worried that I waited too long to quit smoking. I picked up my first cigarette 19 years ago, and have been what I would call a steady smoker for about 16 or 17 years (minus time off for pregnancies, of course). My lungs hurt a lot these days, especially in the morning. Even if I've only had two or three the day before, my chest feels like I chain-smoked an entire pack before I went to bed. I cough a lot, and it's that nasty smoker's cough.

Apparently, I'm worried enough to dwell on it when I'm alone, but not enough to put them down and walk away. Damn it.

So back to my friend that quit this past Friday - he was a pack a day smoker (Camel Wides) and he bought the e-cigarette. There was a little bit of an investment for it, but in the long run, it's definitely (financially) cheaper than smoking cigarettes. He says that it's been doing great for him. He went to the bar with some friends (normally a smoke-heavy event) and didn't feel the urge to have one, only a puff on his e-cig. That has definite possibilities. That's next on the list of things to try. Hopefully soon.

Other than smoking, I've tried to stay pretty active lately. On Saturday morning, we re-seeded our backyard to try and get some grass to grow back there. That involved using a hand-tiller to break up the ground, spread peat moss, seed, and dirt, then mix it all together, in addition with putting up temporary fencing to keep kids and dogs off it and amusing/supervising the kids. (On a side note, you know kids have been having fun outside when the fastest way to get them clean is to hose them off and then dump them in the bath). Granted, after doing this work all morning, I had five pieces of pizza for lunch. :( Then I cleaned in the afternoon, and cleaned and rearranged the house (with help) on Sunday. Much better than sitting on my butt all weekend. The scale didn't move much this morning, but I'm hoping to get under 240 sometime this week or next. Hoping on staying there, too.

I've discovered how far I walk in the mornings when I actually do it. It averages out to about 2 miles, walking at 3 miles an hour. Not very fast, not very far, but it still burns about 260 calories. That means that some mornings, by the time I get to work, I start out with "negative calories". Yay! I've also been getting comments about my appearance, that I look like I've been losing weight. Even if I haven't, that's always nice to hear. Makes me feel better about myself.

Okay, time to get started on that work thing. Bye! :)