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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

In response to Lisa...

Girl, I know exactly how you feel with the cycle of eating and depression. I get depressed sitting at my house in the evening (that's my bad time, instead of in the middle of the day). I look down and I see a fat person's stomach, sticking out way farther than it should. Sometimes it hurts my ankles and knees to walk after I've been sitting down for a while. I know that the four pieces of cinnamon toast I've just eaten (at 9 at night) were utterly pointless, because it's too many, especially on top of the second helpings of dinner and the desert I've already had. I have self-esteem issues, mostly because of the way that I look. This may be TMI, but I don't want to do anything... fun... with my husband a lot of the time, because that would mean that I have to take off my clothes and I don't want to. He says that he isn't bothered by the way I look, but since I am disgusted by it, I don't see how he isn't! I hate that people think I'm pregnant right now, since I'm not. It looks like I am, though.

I would say the holidays are the worst time, but they aren't, because it's only one day. I eat whatever I want on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. If I can't afford to splurge, calorie-wise, on those three days, then really, what's the point? It's the every day (and the leftovers from those three days) that I have problems with. It's going into the kitchen at 9 or 10 at night to get something to eat because I'm convinced I'm hungry. Most of the time, I'm probably just bored. The rest of the time, I'm probably thirsty.

I get depressed. I sit here by myself and think, what the hell's the point? Why should I even bother to try? It's not like its even going to work. Let's face it, I'm fat, I've always been fat, and I'm always going to be fat. I end up crying, going to bed, and have dreams (okay, daydreams, while I'm trying to fall asleep) where I'm not fat. I'm healthy (not skinny), and I look great.

Each day is a new day, though. That's the only way that I can get through it. Okay, so today might have been a bad food day. Today I might have eaten everything in sight. Today I might have stood at the kitchen sink and eaten the leftover food from my kids' plates (yes, I've done that; how pathetic is that?). But tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I'll drink more water. Tomorrow, I'll really try to stick to that 4 little meals a day thing (which I'm currently half-assed trying). Tomorrow, I'll remember that my weight and eating habits didn't happen over night, so I won't change it over night either.

Just saying "tomorrow is anotha day!" with a heavy Southern accent isn't going to do the job, I know that. I actually have to get out there and do something about it. I should start to walk when I have the time (instead of FBing and Zoo World when I get to work) or go to the gym with some friends of mine at noon MWF. I have to be motivated to actually work to change my situation, because just watching what I eat isn't going to cut it. Sometimes it's the baby steps you have to appreciate, though.

Lisa, I call any day where you are positive that you ate under 1800 calories a good day. The whole point of us doing this together was not just so that we could each post about what was going onin our dieting world, but so that we could provide support for each other as we tried to make a life-style change. This is one of the hardest changes there is to make, as well as one of the slowest (it feels that way, at least. Having never been a drug addict or alcoholic, I can't say for sure, though.). I feel the same way that you do and I'm frustrated by the same things you are. I've had a bad week or two and haven't even stepped on the scale in a week, because I don't want to know what it says.

So let's make a deal. Let's make tomorrow a good day. Let's forget about the badness of the past week or two and start fresh. Let's agree that we will take a (fast) walk sometime during the day, be it early in the morning or late at night or whenever in between. Instead of playing on Zoo World (or more realistically, before) I'm going to put on my tennies and go for at least a half hour walk tomorrow morning.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I am here for you.


I am trying. I really am. Even while we were out of town I did not go crazy! Yes, I ate crap but I did not go as insane on it as I would have before all of this. I am now heavier than when I started this fiasco.

My fault, it is. I get that. It's just that I am so pissed off at myself for it. Then, that spirals into being upset about it; which turns into a depression about the entire way I look; which makes me cry as I type this; which really sucks because I am at work; which makes me type run-on sentences and all of this makes me feel like not caring. Then I look in the mirror and think, "Damn girl, look at you. You can't give up or you will just end up looking WORSE than you do now. Get your act together and get back on". So, I do and the entire cycle starts over again. It always has ended the same though... right back here.

In 10 minutes I will get out of my seat and go for a short walk in the brisk weather. That might cool me off a bit.

The holidays are coming. That is rediculous. What am I going to do? I have NO WILLPOWER. That is my entire issue with all of this (besides whatever it was that caused me to get like this to begin with). How does one learn willpower being amongst all of the fabulous food this world offers? I have to eat like everyone else. So, how do I make it so that I can enjoy it like other people do but still be happy with myself?

Yesterday I ate 1781 calories and did no walking. It was SO super crazy at work and I neglected myself in that. I will not do that today.

Off I go into the chilly Dallas air with the highest hopes that I will get out of this funk and will myself some willpower :O)

Thank you for reading this boys. It is appreciated and I do honestly think it helps knowing people care enough to read my lame writings.

Monday, December 6, 2010

now I'm back ... from outer space...

Ok, I have been away, yes, I have. I also gave up on eating decently for a week or so. I WISH it had been because of Thanksgiving. Since we had to drive to Phoenix on Black Friday we have not eaten very well. The drive there and back is obvious but while in Phoenix we ate out a lot. We did no cooking because, well, who wants to cook when everyone is upset?!

I am back, sort of, today though. I am putting my food in my Fitday account and we will see what happens. giving up completely is not an option for me. the fact I am fat did not help the depression of losing Grandpa last week either. So, I figure the best way to get out of this funk is to just go back to the high I get when I see the weight falling off me.

I will update this post tonight when I get my Fitday updated for the day.

is anyone even reading us anymore anyway?