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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

In response to Lisa...

Girl, I know exactly how you feel with the cycle of eating and depression. I get depressed sitting at my house in the evening (that's my bad time, instead of in the middle of the day). I look down and I see a fat person's stomach, sticking out way farther than it should. Sometimes it hurts my ankles and knees to walk after I've been sitting down for a while. I know that the four pieces of cinnamon toast I've just eaten (at 9 at night) were utterly pointless, because it's too many, especially on top of the second helpings of dinner and the desert I've already had. I have self-esteem issues, mostly because of the way that I look. This may be TMI, but I don't want to do anything... fun... with my husband a lot of the time, because that would mean that I have to take off my clothes and I don't want to. He says that he isn't bothered by the way I look, but since I am disgusted by it, I don't see how he isn't! I hate that people think I'm pregnant right now, since I'm not. It looks like I am, though.

I would say the holidays are the worst time, but they aren't, because it's only one day. I eat whatever I want on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. If I can't afford to splurge, calorie-wise, on those three days, then really, what's the point? It's the every day (and the leftovers from those three days) that I have problems with. It's going into the kitchen at 9 or 10 at night to get something to eat because I'm convinced I'm hungry. Most of the time, I'm probably just bored. The rest of the time, I'm probably thirsty.

I get depressed. I sit here by myself and think, what the hell's the point? Why should I even bother to try? It's not like its even going to work. Let's face it, I'm fat, I've always been fat, and I'm always going to be fat. I end up crying, going to bed, and have dreams (okay, daydreams, while I'm trying to fall asleep) where I'm not fat. I'm healthy (not skinny), and I look great.

Each day is a new day, though. That's the only way that I can get through it. Okay, so today might have been a bad food day. Today I might have eaten everything in sight. Today I might have stood at the kitchen sink and eaten the leftover food from my kids' plates (yes, I've done that; how pathetic is that?). But tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I'll drink more water. Tomorrow, I'll really try to stick to that 4 little meals a day thing (which I'm currently half-assed trying). Tomorrow, I'll remember that my weight and eating habits didn't happen over night, so I won't change it over night either.

Just saying "tomorrow is anotha day!" with a heavy Southern accent isn't going to do the job, I know that. I actually have to get out there and do something about it. I should start to walk when I have the time (instead of FBing and Zoo World when I get to work) or go to the gym with some friends of mine at noon MWF. I have to be motivated to actually work to change my situation, because just watching what I eat isn't going to cut it. Sometimes it's the baby steps you have to appreciate, though.

Lisa, I call any day where you are positive that you ate under 1800 calories a good day. The whole point of us doing this together was not just so that we could each post about what was going onin our dieting world, but so that we could provide support for each other as we tried to make a life-style change. This is one of the hardest changes there is to make, as well as one of the slowest (it feels that way, at least. Having never been a drug addict or alcoholic, I can't say for sure, though.). I feel the same way that you do and I'm frustrated by the same things you are. I've had a bad week or two and haven't even stepped on the scale in a week, because I don't want to know what it says.

So let's make a deal. Let's make tomorrow a good day. Let's forget about the badness of the past week or two and start fresh. Let's agree that we will take a (fast) walk sometime during the day, be it early in the morning or late at night or whenever in between. Instead of playing on Zoo World (or more realistically, before) I'm going to put on my tennies and go for at least a half hour walk tomorrow morning.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I am here for you.

1 comment:

  1. I think we all have those days and daydreams. I still haven't found my total motivation to get off my but and do more stuff. Admittedly I should, I get the "are you pregnant?" question enough that possible infertility takes up most of my self esteem.

    I'm a semi silent partner, but I have faith in you guys. If you stick to it, and can rough it out you will succeed. I do however, thinking falling off the bandwagon every blue moon is expected...we are human after all.