Becky: Intricacies of Addictions?

So it's 7:43 and I just got the girl to go to bed (went to bed early so that she can watch a movie in bed). She's been excessively 6 this evening and ignoring me a lot. Not deliberately, but zoning out because she's watching TV. The boy has been in bed since just after 7, but is still talking to himself, so definitely hasn't gone to sleep. I need to check on his humidifier and make sure that its working, but I don't want to go in there until I'm sure he's out.

All I want to do right now is go out in my front yard and see if anyone is smoking. It's easier to bum a cigarette from someone when you live in an apartment complex. Not so much with a house. People have their own backyards or garages or houses, so they don't usually come to the front yard to smoke. Yes, I know that this is a good thing. In fact, that's why I'm here typing, not going outside to see, just in case.

I've been thinking about smoking all day. Not "Man, I'd kill to get a cigarette right now", but asking myself if I really wanted one. The answer was no the whole day. I realize the answer should be no regardless, but I think that when you are trying to quit something, you have to be honest with yourself. You need to acknowledge that you want something you can't have, and work to identify the feeling that comes with it (do I want to smoke because of the habit? Because I'm tired of sitting at my desk? Because I'm used to smoking when I drive?). So, all day. Want a cigarette? Nah, not really. Feel like smoking? Nope, I'm good. Want to see if someone is outside that you can bum from? No, thanks. I've been doing pretty good today, I think.

But right now. Man, if someone offered me a cigarette, I'd be outside before they could finish the question. So I need to keep myself busy. So... I write. I balance my checkbook. I pay bills. Eventually, I'll get distracted by something and won't think about it anymore.

This does beg the question, however, why is it not okay to fall off the wagon when smoking? I've asked two of my non-smoker friends this question over the last two days, but I want to know. If you are dieting, or cutting out cokes or coffee or what have you, an occasional slip is okay. One day a week, you mess up, that's okay, just get right back on the wagon, it'll be okay. Why don't we get that same reaction when quitting smoking? Instead, people are disappointed, shake their heads, lecture, etc. One friend said that it was because when he's dieting, he's not addicted to cookies. He thinks that it only takes one cigarette to get hooked again. I guess this is true, and as I'm typing I'm getting an answer in my head. With something you have a physical addiction to, such as nicotine (or caffeine, to use my other example), you are depriving yourself of something that your body wants and needs. It's a slow process, and one that you can only get through with time. If you slip up, then it takes your body that much longer to completely purge all the badness.

I guess that makes sense. Still. I'm one of those people who would celebrate a 10% weight loss with a piece of cake. I want to celebrate a week without smoking with a cigarette. To destroy a quote from somewhere, though, I guess "down that road lies madness".

I'll go pay bills. Then look for some paint in the garage to touch up my walls and trim inside my house. Eventually it'll be bedtime, and then I won't have to think about it anymore.

Yay support!

So yay, people are giving us support and wishing us good luck and all that! That's pretty cool. The only thing that sucks about being so public about quitting smoking is that, if you fail, everyone knows it, and there is less support the next time you try.

Of course, that won't be an issue for me, right, because it is going to stick. On the 4th day right now. I'm fairly certain that this level of blogging won't sustain itself, but I'm enjoying it while we are doing it.

And by the way - yay Lisa! Bad days are okay, everyone has them. Make the next day a good day and it all kind of works itself out (sort of). That's what diet people tell you for things like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, big candy holidays, etc. Try to "save up" some calories before and after, then you can eat a little more on those days. (Granted, it's never a good idea to have a 3000 or 4000 calorie day.) Good job on that cake, too! Maybe you can reward yourself for reaching your goal weight by having a (small) piece of yummy cake. It's good to have goals to work towards.

That's it. Y'all have a great morning and a great day! Here's to not smoking!

Becky : ...insert title here...

Okay, note to self - come up with better titles. That is always my stumbling block when it comes to writing, coming up with a pithy title. My friend Kate can attest to this.

Anyways, the whole point of this post. I'm ending day three (close enough) without smoking. Still doing pretty good. It's been a day, though. My boy was diagnosed with pink eye (and we were originally told that he couldn't return to day care until Monday of next week). He's also been coughing almost non-stop lately. My girl was crying all night last night because her ear hurt so bad. She's better this morning, but it still was a rough night last night. In addition, I haven't been feeling that great - sore throat, headache, tired, etc. My throat hurts at the bottom rather than the top, so it's hard to reach with throat sprays, warm salty water, etc. Basically all I can do is wait for it to go away and go back to the UNT clinic if it gets worse.

However, this is the type of day that usually sends Patrick and I running for the gas station to get cigs. It's a good thing we aren't, since on top of all of the rest of it, we have no money, but still. I think it's pretty significant that we haven't fallen into the trap.

I find myself wanting a cigarette the most right after the kids go to bed at night. The boy goes down a little after 7, the girl by 8:30. As soon as she is in bed ("Mama, I want a song. Mama, it's dark in hear. Mama, I want as drink of water. Mama, I want to tell you something really, really, really important - did you know that bats can be white?" and on... and on... and on...) I just really want to step outside and smoke. I think I could do fine with having one cig a day and having that one be it (I won't, though). I have to remember - my daughter thinks its cool. My daughter thinks its cool. Plus, I can't take a deep breath in the morning without coughing really bad.

Speaking of my daughter, I've been telling her every day that I haven't smoked. She thinks I'm doing great, because I've told her before how hard it is to quit. Hopefully, she will remember this when she gets old enough to want to start. Probably not, but I can hope, right?

I also need to jump on the dieting bandwagon - or at least the "Put down that food!" bandwagon. I've been eating more in the past couple of days. I think that I'm using quitting smoking as an excuse to eat everything I can. That's not good. I don't want to have to lose the ::mumble,mumble: pounds that I currently do, as well as the additional 60 pounds from quitting smoking. That would suck. So, remember, Lisa, you are my inspiration for losing weight as well. Basically I'm quitting smoking so that I can get to that point, and we can be hot mamas together. :D

Becky's first try

Okay, so I've never blogged before, but I think this is a good idea, also. It always helps to talk/write about the hard stuff that you are going through. The benefit of an online blog is, even if no one else is reading, you can pretend like someone is!

So Lisa and I are going to work on this together - me quitting smoking, her working on snacking and dieting. Hopefully, ideally, it'll work for both of us, and then she can be my inspiration to then lose weight! I've discovered, though, you can't quit too many things at once, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for failure.

About me and my problem: I've been smoking for a very long time. Don't tell my parents, but I was 10 and in the 5th grade when I picked up my first cigarette. I was walking home with another girl named DeeDee. Her mom let her smoke (how disgusting is that?) and I kept telling her, don't give me a cigarette. Don't try to pressure me into smoking. She kept saying, okay, fine, I won't. About halfway home, I asked to try one, and that was it from there. I didn't really like it at first (does anyone?), but I spent the weekend at her house that weekend, so I got adjusted to it. We started off on menthol cigarettes (I used to call them the peppermint cigarettes).

I wasn't really what you would call a dedicated smoker for the first two years; in fact, I "quit" for the first time the summer I was 12. i picked it back up again when school started because my friends were smoking, too. We used to go to the woodsy area behind the middle school in Cedar Hill and meet with some high school girls and smoke there. I got yelled at by one girl because I wasn't inhaling, so I was wasting the cigarette. She taught me how to inhale and I've been a smoker ever since. My parents found out about it when I was about 15, so that's when they think I started. Awful, isn't it?

I am now 28. I've been smoking for 16-18 years, depending on how you start counting. I remember when I used to be able to buy 2 packs of smokes with a five and get change back. Through me, at least one friend has started smoking and still does to this day. These are my reasons for why I'm quitting:

1. It makes me smell bad and turns my teeth yellow (as if I don't already have enough problems with my teeth).

2. It's expensive! (over $6 a pack now for Marlboro. Calculate that out: a pack ever 2 days, on average, so I end up spending about... $1100 a year on cigarettes. And that's just me, my husband smokes too.

3. It kind of makes me into a social pariah sometimes, cause nobody wants to be around the nasty.

4. I'm having problems breathing already, and I cough a lot, especially in the morning. I don't want to die of lung cancer, or live with emphysema, etc. Not being able to breathe sucks and I don't want to have to live my life like that. I hope that it's not already too late, although the medical profession assures me that within ten years of quitting, my body has finally recovered.

5. Believe or not, you non-smokers, but smokers usually have no sense of smell and a dulled sense of taste. I would like those back, please.

6. The biggest reason to quit - my 6 year old daughter thinks that it's cool. She wants to be exactly like me when she grows up, including smoking. She's used straws or sucker sticks to pretend to be smoking, just like mama. It's a compliment to have someone want to be just like you, but not in this way. The only way I would ever be okay with Dakota smoking is if they managed to miraculously fix all the problems cigarettes cause. As a matter of fact, while I'm wishing, make them healthy for you! That would be ideal. Then I could smoke all I wanted.

And here are my excuses:

1. I have no self-control. I'm a stubborn person, but apparently not when I am fighting myself. If it's something that I want, I give in way too easily. Hence the addictions that I have.

2. Breaking the habit. Now this is not the same thing as fighting the addiction. Within two weeks, all of the nicotine, etc, is out of my system, and I no longer (apparently) have a physical addiction to anything. It's the habit, though. I smoke after I eat, when I'm alone in the car, when I need a break from what I'm doing (or from my kids), when I talk on the phone or in person, when I drink (going to the bar mixes two of those, which makes it that much harder).

3. Hand-to-mouth fixation. Yes, this is an excuse, but I still believe that its a valid one. I was born sucking my fingers. I quit sucking my fingers when I really picked up smoking (yes, that means I sucked my fingers in intermediate and junior high. No judging here). I like to eat as well, for the same reason. I really have to fight against this. I don't want to use suckers or hard candy as a replacement because int he first place, I have sucky teeth already. Also, I don't want to replace one bad habit with another.

4. I like being a smoker. Even with all the reason listed above, for the most part, I like being a smoker. I like taking breaks from what I'm doing to read my book and smoke a cigarette. I like sitting around after I'm done eating and smoke a cigarette, especially with other smokers. Smokers are a very social group. We are the only ones who understand each other and don't bitch about it, so we always have at least one thing in common with strangers.

I think I'm ready to quit. As long as I can keep my reasons to quit in front of me, and not my excuses. Especially my kids. I've gone through 1 day without smoking already. It wasn't that bad, although I would have liked a cigarette after the kids went to bed. The first couple of days, honestly, aren't the worst, though. It's the couple of days after that. You are starting to adjust to life without smoking, learning to deal with shit in different ways, when suddenly, something reminds you that you aren't a smoker and you are never going to be again. That's the point that I usually give in and have a cigarette.

Here's for day number 2. Thanks, Lisa, for doing this with me, by the way, and giving me this outlet to write about it. Here's to us. We can do it!

Never give up. Never surrender!  :D

~Becky