To be, or not to be… resolute.

A new year is hovering right at our fingertips.  This time of year always brings so many questions to my mind.  Does the new year mean the same thing to everyone?  Will many of us see it as a new start while the rest see it as a new chance for new problems?  Does anyone see it as just another day on the calendar? 

Why do we need a new year to start over; to make changes?  It seems most of us notice something is wrong and feel that it is ok to shilly-shally until January 1st to change our ways, thinking, “,that’s going to be my new year’s resolution”.  

The older I get and the more new years I see the more I think, it is just another day on the calendar.  There is nothing stopping any of us from changing ourselves, if we feel the need, at any time throughout the year.  Waiting until January 1st puts so much pressure on us to make an entire list of things to change.  About 10 years ago my resolution was to no longer make resolutions at New Year’s.  It has been the one that I have actually stuck to the longest.  This year, though, has been a crazy year for me so I feel that maybe it is time to change that about me as well.  Maybe, just maybe, there is something to this resolution thing.  I won’t know if I don’t try. 

After saying all of that, I do have a list of things I want to commit to in this upcoming year.; most of these changes have come into my head pretty recently.  Some are small, some are big, some are fun, some are serious.  They are all attempts.  If I don’t get it done it doesn’t mean I didn’t try; maybe it means it was not supposed to be done.  I don’t have a date in mind and maybe it won’t all be this year.  It is more of a lifetime timeframe for me.  

1. This will be my list of things to do in my life and will not need to be repeated each New Year’s. 

2. I will continue to change things as I feel they are needed throughout the year. 

3. I am seriously going to TRY to be less negative, impatient, complaining and bitchy...while remembering that trying to be less bitchy does not mean I will keep my opinions to myself or that I will let people walk all over me or others.  I will continue to speak up and stand up for what I think is right.  It just means I will try not to jump so quick on others.  I will try to think before I speak. 

4. I am going to eat less meat.  I honestly feel so much better, physically, when I don’t eat meat.  I completely understand I will not be cutting out all meat all the time.  When I go to someone’s house for dinner and they have meat, guess what I am eating for dinner? Meat!  I am not going to ask anyone to do anything different for me.  Also, if I have someone over to my house for dinner and they love chicken parmesan, then that may be what they get.  For some reason this always brings on debate.  Don’t throw your meat lovers opinion at me.  Eat all the meat you want.  I am not going to try to “convert” you so don’t give me crap about what I want or why I want it.  If you feel the need then please reread number 3 and notice the word TRY.

5.  My blogs have all been quiet lately.  I will keep up with all of them more often.  If it is important enough for you to read it (because you are my friends) then I will continue to write and attempt to entertain you. 

6. Chris deserves a better wife.  Rather than taking the time and energy in finding one for him, I will just make sure I make myself into a better one.  I will see how that goes first. 

7. My Xbox Gamerscore WILL surpass Chris’. Will.

8. My house will be cleaner. 

9. Money will get better.  If we want to even think about another kid we need to be able to afford daycare, so, we need to work on that.

10. I will figure out how to use my fantastic SLR camera.   I’m not sure if it will be a class, or a book, but I will learn it.

That should do for now.  I will add to this as I see fit.

Oh, yeah, Happy New Year everyone!

New Year's resolution

So, we seem to have stopped this for a little bit, but in two days, the new year will be here, so what better time to jump start this? I've been ignoring the no-smoking thing pretty bad, and I haven't actually been paying much attention to when or what I've been eating (besides shaking my head at all the chocolate).

After the New Year, Patrick and I go back on the no-smoking train. I've not sure if he will, actually, but i really hope so. We were doing so well before... we weren't...anymore. :)

I've also been looking on craigslist for an elliptical machine (my preference) or a treadmill for relatively cheap. I've decided (yet another excuse, I know) that I am most motivated to work out at night, but that is the time that I can't leave, since I am alone with the kids. If I have a work-out machine here, maybe I will actually use it while I am watching TV or something. I would hope so.

So I don't have much to talk about at the moment, since I am in kind of a holding pattern. I can only complain so much that I don't like the way I look before people stop listening, or start yelling at me to shut up and f-ing do something about it. Hopefully, that time is now.

BTW, any suggestions for quick, healthy, cheap meals that my kids will eat? I've regressed back to pizza, hamburger helper, and spaghetti during the week. I'm not quite sure if this is due to time constraints or money constraints, but there ya go. Suggestions?

sick and tired!

No, seriously, I have really been sick and tired and tired of being sick. Ugh, Friday night I started not feeling great and stupidly stayed up until 1:45 am trying to prepare for Lars' birthday party Saturday. So, after being up half the night sick and shivering so much it made me sore all over, I woke up Saturday feeling so much worse. This was fantastic news as Lars' FIRST birthday party was going on that day and there was so much to do. Well, let me tell you... ok, I can't really put into words how amazingly marvellous my mom and sister are. They did everything! I told them what I wanted and POOF, it was done. The party was a hit! I woke up again just as people were starting to arrive. It is now Wednesday and I still feel a bit crappy but I do feel better.

Now, I need to regain my focus on eating. Not just eating right, but eating in general. I don't know that I have hit my 1500 calorie limit in the past 5 days combined. I am eating a bit here and a bit there but not much at a time. There are some good aspects of that, though. Hopefully, mu stomach is getting a bit smaller which should assist in my portion control issues.

My current weight is 265.4
This is great because it is 5.8 pounds total towards my goal.
This is bad because it is almost all from this weekend.

So, I am taking this to be the best I can at this moment and going with it. I am going to begin eating as I am able to when I am hungry and eat healthy choices as often as possible.

In speaking to my fabulous bonus sister Heather, I have also decided that my caloric goal for each day will be between 1500 - 1800. This is to give myself a little wiggle room and still stay healthy. I know I felt guilty for going over 1500... I also know that a 1600 or 1700 day is still a win! BUT when your goal is 1500 and you hit 1700 it psychologically is not a win. So, I need to adjust my goal rather than trying to adjust reality like I usually do (hey, sometimes it works for me).


Also, it is almost Christmas!! I am NOT going to deprive myself of the awesomeness that is Christmas food! I jsut need to watch myself and be a little bit nice when I want to be a lot naughty.

Becky!! It's ok! We are not on a wagon - we can't fall off. We are just going along a similar path as the wagon. I think of it more as tubing the river. We are going to go up and down over some waves (some much bigger than others), we are going to go through different forks in the river as well and we may be up and down at different times. But, we will end up at the same place. Whichever of us gets there first may need to go back around to help the other one but we will both get there. This is a lifestyle change we are doing. It takes a while to change anythign drastic in your life. We didn't meet our guys and get married the next day, we didn't get pregnant and have a kid the next week, we didn't put on all of this weight in a single month, it takes getting used to. We have our waves of ickiness but we get back down in the smooth water and we are all ok again. Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride. It's the only option we've got. Getting out of the river is not an option at this point. I'm staying. I like my tube! (It is very fancy and nifty).

In response to Lisa...

Girl, I know exactly how you feel with the cycle of eating and depression. I get depressed sitting at my house in the evening (that's my bad time, instead of in the middle of the day). I look down and I see a fat person's stomach, sticking out way farther than it should. Sometimes it hurts my ankles and knees to walk after I've been sitting down for a while. I know that the four pieces of cinnamon toast I've just eaten (at 9 at night) were utterly pointless, because it's too many, especially on top of the second helpings of dinner and the desert I've already had. I have self-esteem issues, mostly because of the way that I look. This may be TMI, but I don't want to do anything... fun... with my husband a lot of the time, because that would mean that I have to take off my clothes and I don't want to. He says that he isn't bothered by the way I look, but since I am disgusted by it, I don't see how he isn't! I hate that people think I'm pregnant right now, since I'm not. It looks like I am, though.

I would say the holidays are the worst time, but they aren't, because it's only one day. I eat whatever I want on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. If I can't afford to splurge, calorie-wise, on those three days, then really, what's the point? It's the every day (and the leftovers from those three days) that I have problems with. It's going into the kitchen at 9 or 10 at night to get something to eat because I'm convinced I'm hungry. Most of the time, I'm probably just bored. The rest of the time, I'm probably thirsty.

I get depressed. I sit here by myself and think, what the hell's the point? Why should I even bother to try? It's not like its even going to work. Let's face it, I'm fat, I've always been fat, and I'm always going to be fat. I end up crying, going to bed, and have dreams (okay, daydreams, while I'm trying to fall asleep) where I'm not fat. I'm healthy (not skinny), and I look great.

Each day is a new day, though. That's the only way that I can get through it. Okay, so today might have been a bad food day. Today I might have eaten everything in sight. Today I might have stood at the kitchen sink and eaten the leftover food from my kids' plates (yes, I've done that; how pathetic is that?). But tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I'll drink more water. Tomorrow, I'll really try to stick to that 4 little meals a day thing (which I'm currently half-assed trying). Tomorrow, I'll remember that my weight and eating habits didn't happen over night, so I won't change it over night either.

Just saying "tomorrow is anotha day!" with a heavy Southern accent isn't going to do the job, I know that. I actually have to get out there and do something about it. I should start to walk when I have the time (instead of FBing and Zoo World when I get to work) or go to the gym with some friends of mine at noon MWF. I have to be motivated to actually work to change my situation, because just watching what I eat isn't going to cut it. Sometimes it's the baby steps you have to appreciate, though.

Lisa, I call any day where you are positive that you ate under 1800 calories a good day. The whole point of us doing this together was not just so that we could each post about what was going onin our dieting world, but so that we could provide support for each other as we tried to make a life-style change. This is one of the hardest changes there is to make, as well as one of the slowest (it feels that way, at least. Having never been a drug addict or alcoholic, I can't say for sure, though.). I feel the same way that you do and I'm frustrated by the same things you are. I've had a bad week or two and haven't even stepped on the scale in a week, because I don't want to know what it says.

So let's make a deal. Let's make tomorrow a good day. Let's forget about the badness of the past week or two and start fresh. Let's agree that we will take a (fast) walk sometime during the day, be it early in the morning or late at night or whenever in between. Instead of playing on Zoo World (or more realistically, before) I'm going to put on my tennies and go for at least a half hour walk tomorrow morning.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I am here for you.

Ugh

I am trying. I really am. Even while we were out of town I did not go crazy! Yes, I ate crap but I did not go as insane on it as I would have before all of this. I am now heavier than when I started this fiasco.

My fault, it is. I get that. It's just that I am so pissed off at myself for it. Then, that spirals into being upset about it; which turns into a depression about the entire way I look; which makes me cry as I type this; which really sucks because I am at work; which makes me type run-on sentences and all of this makes me feel like not caring. Then I look in the mirror and think, "Damn girl, look at you. You can't give up or you will just end up looking WORSE than you do now. Get your act together and get back on". So, I do and the entire cycle starts over again. It always has ended the same though... right back here.

In 10 minutes I will get out of my seat and go for a short walk in the brisk weather. That might cool me off a bit.

The holidays are coming. That is rediculous. What am I going to do? I have NO WILLPOWER. That is my entire issue with all of this (besides whatever it was that caused me to get like this to begin with). How does one learn willpower being amongst all of the fabulous food this world offers? I have to eat like everyone else. So, how do I make it so that I can enjoy it like other people do but still be happy with myself?

Yesterday I ate 1781 calories and did no walking. It was SO super crazy at work and I neglected myself in that. I will not do that today.

Off I go into the chilly Dallas air with the highest hopes that I will get out of this funk and will myself some willpower :O)

Thank you for reading this boys. It is appreciated and I do honestly think it helps knowing people care enough to read my lame writings.

now I'm back ... from outer space...

Ok, I have been away, yes, I have. I also gave up on eating decently for a week or so. I WISH it had been because of Thanksgiving. Since we had to drive to Phoenix on Black Friday we have not eaten very well. The drive there and back is obvious but while in Phoenix we ate out a lot. We did no cooking because, well, who wants to cook when everyone is upset?!

I am back, sort of, today though. I am putting my food in my Fitday account and we will see what happens. giving up completely is not an option for me. the fact I am fat did not help the depression of losing Grandpa last week either. So, I figure the best way to get out of this funk is to just go back to the high I get when I see the weight falling off me.

I will update this post tonight when I get my Fitday updated for the day.

is anyone even reading us anymore anyway?

My Inner Yoda

So after a really bad week last week, I'm back on the wagon. Sort of. Okay, maybe running along behind it getting ready to jump back on. I did bum a cigarette when I went for a drink with some friends yesterday, but I didn't really enjoy it. Does that count? It's the only one for the past three days. So I'm trying again with it. I really do feel better when I'm not smoking. I miss being a smoker, though.

Food-wise, I'm really not doing well. I keep having to fight against myself and losing. Luckily, most of the leftovers are gone. I don't like pecan pie and it's the only one left in my fridge right now. I'm running short on money (aren't I always?), so we don't have a whole bunch of snack-y foods in the house. I keep looking down and seeing my stomach sticking out and getting disgusted with myself.

In reading back over this post, I've noticed something. When Lisa posts (ahem, ahem), she's funny. Good day, bad day, whatever, she's funny. I'm depressing. I'm constantly down on myself. Obviously, that kind of an attitude doesn't work, and isn't really all that fun to read, either. I have to be honest here, though, since I don't seem to be honest anywhere else (at least when it comes to food and smoking).

Okay, now I'm rambling. Not sure what I'm trying to accomplish here, except that I'm back on the anti-smoking wagon and am trying the food thing.

I have to channel some Yoda here. Do. Or do not. There is no try.